grateful

I have been amazed at how blessed i am. If you have not heard i recently started working nights at the hospital. I was very excited for this opportunity. I worked nights for many years, however when i started nursing school i decided it was too much and went to the day shift. For most new nurses, working night shift is something we know we will probably face. I love the night shift, i love the people i work with, the extra time i get (sometimes) to talk more with my patients. I will admit i like that it is a little slower than day shift, but we get our share of crazy nights. Ok, so the reason for the post. When i started this night shift i did not think it would be to hard to transition, as i had done this before. I did not have to worry about school, a dating/singles life, etc. Yes, it is easier for me right now but, my emotions have been all over the place. When i do not get my sleep, i tend to cry and lets just say that i have been doing that ALOT.  Now, i am not crying because i am sad, i am just emotional. I cry at commercials, TV shows, the books i read, anything that tugs at my heart string. Do not get me wrong i am happy, i am grateful for my job. I will love it one day, when it all starts to make sense. I know i am a profession i am meant to be in, but more so I know i am married to the man i am more grateful for each and every day.
 When i work at night i sleep the next day (obviously),  but when i do not work the following night i get up around 11 or noon, so i can sleep that night and get back to a more regular schedule. Now, remember how i said i get a little emotional when i do not get sleep? well these days are sure to prove that. Jared, is so good to me. Often i am so tired when the night comes that i am short with Jared, cry, so tired i can not fall asleep, and get more frustrated and so on. I remember this when i started working night shift MANY years ago before i went to days, the body does get used to the night shift after a while.
 Jared is so patient with me and always tells me he is so grateful i am willing to go out and work to help us progress in the goals we have. Jared is my rock. Being away from him 3 nights a week is not easy. I did not think it would be as hard as it is, but he keeps his head up and stays so positive. I have learned to cherish the nights i have at home with my husband. each day i am more and more grateful for him. From my foot massages he treats me with, the love he showers me with, it is true i have found my PRINCE CHARMING..  Needless to say, i was so happy to get a job. I am blessed as there are many i went to school with and who have graduated with me who can not get work (dumb economy).
So i am grateful for my job, my prince, and most of all the Lord. This gift i have of a life is something i never thought would come. I have been surprised at how much i see the love of the Lord in my life all around me...
Today, i am grateful...

Graduation, new job, and much more..

It has been a busy month here in the Marshall household. After trying to move on after the miscarriage (still something i struggle with daily) Jared and i have had a month full of twists and turns. I sat for my boards on the third of Sept. (please see previous post), i luckily passed. I thought everything was smooth sailing after passing boards, i was wrong. After a long conversation with my boss and not getting the job i first thought i would, I spent many nights praying to find peace and acceptance allowing me to move on and to accept the road life had decided to take. I have this little problem with wanting to be in CONTROL of everything that goes on in my life. I am not one for the "unknown" so when life does not go as planned (which happens often), i tend to freak out. I think life has to go not as i plan often enough to humble me and to remember the faith and hope i claim to have. After a very long week, i finally was offered a job as a RN at Utah Valley Regional Medical Center in what is called the Med/Surge Cluster. I work on the orthopedic/Neurology floor (anyone with a broken hip or needing brain surgery), on the Medical Surgical floor (anyone with stomach, prostate or bladder problems) and the Medical/Oncology floor (yes, it is the cancer floor).. This is not where i dreamed to work (yes i want to go to the ER) however, i know i will get some AMAZING experience and i am grateful to have a job. Yes, even the medical field is feeling the economy, i hear there are almost 500 new grads from nursing schools out there looking for jobs here in UT alone. I am going to be working nights, i am going back to the DARK SIDE and i must admit i am excited to go back to the night shift, i love staff at nights!!
 I did graduate with a degree, which i wondered if it would ever really happen. I was surrounded by people i love and have supported me through the craziness of what nursing school is. (this is shared in the pictures to follow of the graduation)..  So jared is enjoying the ease of having me NOT in school. I am back to working 36-40 hours a week. A much nicer income is headed our way and i think he is excited for that as much as i am. Jared has changed his major to Social Work and those of you who know Jared can understand how GREAT this change is. I am blessed with such a kind and generous husband. He is always wondering how we can help others. He is so patient and loves to help those in need. He loves the psychology of the human minds (i could live without understanding why people do the dumb things we do), but he is ready to go out and help people find the light that has helped him in his life. 
   So, yes we are very busy, but we are so grateful for the change that has happened in our lives. We continue to hope and pray we will be parents sooner than later. We are excited for the new opportunities that await us. Jared is excited about our upcoming day at Lagoon (me not so much as i would rather be at disneyland) but i am sure this is a small trip compared to what awaits us in the future. September was a great month!! My brother was evacuated from his house from the crazy fires in Herriman, but was happy to go back home a few days later with no real damage to his home.. My parents took the grandkids to Arizona for a wedding, and seemed to have had a blast.
 Life is good in the Ika and Marshall household...  Lets hope October is just as great!!
  
Here are some pictures from Graduation...

 Yes, it was a great day!!!

Did you hear? I am a REGISTERED NURSE!!

This Labor day weekend has been a long one coming.. I sat for my RN boards on Friday. When you sit for boards it feels like you are going into a prison, you have to turn your pockets inside out, no watch, chewing gum, etc.. As i sat down to the computer i offered one last pleading prayer and began the grueling test. With this test it is $300 big ones each time you take the test, so needless to say i was praying that i only had to do this once. As the test started i was shaking so bad from nerves i thought i was going to puke. You can get anywhere from 75 to 265 questions. The computer uses an algorithm to determine if you are a safe nurse or not. I figured since i am not the best test taker (my wonderful anxiety) i would get around 150 questions. When i hit 75 and the test went on i was not surprised. The questions were getting harder and i felt like i was guessing on a lot of them. After question 76 the computer shut off and the test was surprisingly over. I was ready to puke. I was sure i had failed. I tried to hold it together as i checked out of the testing center. I walked out and immediately called an instructor and cried to her. The test was HELL to put it nicely.. After not sleeping, or eating much for two days i decided i had to let it go. I sat in sacrament feeling peace that i had not felt all week. I was determined whatever the outcome was i knew i could get through it. Well as i was sitting in primary with my sunbeams my husband had my phone in his pocket and told me two girls from nursing school had just called and text me. So i grabbed my phone and dashed out into the hallway. As i heard results were up but i had to pay for them, i raced back in and grabbed my wallet, while i left my husband to watch my little sunbeams. As my friend entered the info for me i was shaking so bad.. she got on and told me i PASSED and i lost it right there and started crying. This is something i have dreamed about for SO LONG!! i did it, i am a registered NURSE!!!  My husband and family were so good to me this last weekend, I know i was NOT fun to be around at all. But they never stopped with the words or encouragement and telling me they believed in me.. The friends i have made in nursing school will be friends for life.. It is crazy to me that this little chapter  (longer that it should be) of my life is over.. Now onto saving people!! Thanks to everyone who has cheered me on and who has believed in me.. I could not have done this without any of you... I DID IT!!!!!

Broken Heart

When i write here i often feel as if it is a journal that i allow the world to read. There are things i will not share as they are to personal for me. However, i feel somethings i need to write about to help myself heal. This last week has been full of ups and downs. Excited when we learned we were going to be parents. The news was something we have been hoping for. However, something did not feel right to me. I thought i was being paranoid and went on.. I was going to put in the call this week to the OB and get the fun going. However heavenly father had different plans and we miscarried the baby on sunday. I never understood how something could hurt so bad when all i really had a was little stick that read Pregnant when i read it. However, the tears do not explain or even touch the hurt, despair and helplessness i felt and i know jared does as well.. I know there is more to heavenly Father's plan. He has more in store for Jared and I and we hope to become parents one day. So along with the tears and pain, i feel a sense of hope. A promise i know the Lord will fulill one day. So till then, i welcome the tears and the hurt so i can learn from this experience and Hold onto the Gospel, stay close to the Lord.. We have been promised to be parents one day, so that is what we will hold onto..

waterfalls and dancing

Scott provided the dancing entertainment

Jared beat me to the waterfall

Trying to smile even though we were so TIRED!!

then we found THIS!!

Dave showing his manly muscles!! 

Time for some food for Jared

The hill was too steep to walk down so jared went on his bum...

The Newlyweds came out of hiding for the weekend!!

 we are a little fuzzy in this pic but we had lots of fun!!

I think this is my favorite picture of the day!! 

They are so CUTE!!

Trying to get the energy to hike back to the car..

Did I mention how pretty it was?

On our ride home.. it was seriously the funnest weekend

we went rafting down the provo river earlier that day so we were so exhausted but well worth it!!

Thanks Harris Family for such a great weekend!!

Brown Eyes

Lying down I stare into your brown eyes

As lovers connect by power of gaze
I see fire from your spirit inside
I know within, there is no end of days

You are a cherished daughter of our God
You know water you've been through fire
You are a new creature, one of our Lords odd
You have a will that will never tire

As our spirits connect and dance awhile
I feel our unborn children around us
The're proud we are enduring our trials
They know in us they can forever trust

Behind your brown eyes I see a good wife
Who always knows how to help me through life

Enjoy the Moment

The discussion of what our future holds is a conversation Jared and I have often. When we think about all that we want to do in life i get excited for the school and education part of our lives to be over with and rest of our lives to begin. However, i wonder if  i know how to stop and enjoy the moment. I once wondered if i would get married, that happened, i then wondered if i would ever accomplish my dream of being a nurse,  and with a less than a month left of school i find new things to wonder. I ponder if i will ever get the dream job in nursing that i want (or even a job these days), will i ever be a mom, will i ever get down the finances, will my student loans ever be paid off, will we ever get the home we want,  etc. I have had this conversation with jared many times. I look at others and wonder if i will have what they do, because i swear things always look better when others have them. As i have talked about this more and more lately i have began to wonder if i can slow down and enjoy where i am at in life and savor the moment. Life is simple right now. It is Jared and I at night, we eat dinner, clean the house, go on walks to get ice cream (love the 50 cent ice cream cones at Macey's) and we talk, laugh, and go to bed.. Sure finances give me a headache because as students do you ever have enough to survive? Miracle by miracle we make it pay check to pay check, with the idea we are suffering now to make a better future for us and our children to come. So why can't i just stop and enjoy where we are in life? Why do i constantly have something else i want to do or have someone else i want to be like? Do i have a fear of enjoying the moment? I am a busy body.. My husband often tells me he never knew life was so busy till he met me.. I keep us running, striving to be better, going a thousand places.. I do not like to just sit at home usually. Will i go crazy when nursing school is over? To just work 3 days a week and not have school, that sounds wonderful and terrifying at the same time.  I guess my new goal is to enjoy the accomplishments i have now and remember there will be a time when i will look back and try to remember the simplicity life is right now.

Daddy oh Daddy

I am told i act like my father and look like my father. 

Is this a bad thing? NOPE!! i think he is pretty cool and so much fun to be around! 

On fathers day i was not able to spend the day with him, 

but i spent the previous week with him so i think that is ok. 

I love my dad and i have been taught so much by him. 

My dad works so hard to keep our family close.  

He is my hero. My dad would spend every moment with the family if he could. 

I love this man and i am so lucky to have him as my father. 

Thank you dad for all you do!! i love you!

and then there were 4...

I have used the phrase "till we meet again" one too many times lately.. However saturday afternoon i got the call from my dad that my uncle grant (the one in the middle) was in the ICU at IMED in SLC and was not going to make it.. I was in a deep sleep that saturday afternoon, however Jared and i were soon up and packed for the night and headed to the hospital. When we arrived i was met by my aunts and cousins.. Grant was hooked up to every monitor possible and for once in my life i was wishing i did not know so much about the medications he was getting and the severity of the condition i was encountering. I love medicine, but when i am the family member there seeing another family member in the hospital i am NOT a fan. Grant was taken off life support and returned very quickly to be with his parents whom i know were there waiting for him. Grant was such a great man!! The last time i saw him was at draper historic theatre where he was in many plays. The last performance i saw him perform was one of my favorites. Grant was the cowardly Lion in the Wizard Of Oz and he was SPECTACULAR!! i was in tears because i was laughing so hard. This is the first family member for me that i have lost besides my grandparents and it hit me that our lives are so short in the scheme of things. I am so grateful for my Savior, for the Gospel and all that i have been taught. I know this is not the end, its just a goodbye and while i do not like saying over and over again, the phrase is true and brings peace to my heart.. I love you Grant, thank you for the laughs, give grandma and grandpa a hug for me... You were my favorite performer and i am going to miss you.. Till we meet again.. 

Beautiful Day Horrible Night

Yesterday Jared and I joined in celebrating our closest friends joining together for time and all eternity. They were gorgeous and completely happy. I have lots of pictures since they asked me to take the pictures for the wedding day. darby was a beautiful bride and scott was needless to say full of smiles and excitement!! The day was amazing and i was sad when it was over and we had to return home. 
I wish the happiness lasted into the night. Earlier that day we learned tragedy had hit a sweet girl where we live the day before (we met here at these apartments and loved it so we moved into married housing). I was informed a girl was raped and beaten severely ( in midday)  while she was by her apartment by the riverwalk. She is in the ICU at the hospital down the street i hear. I was so sad by the news, but had the thought it will never happen to me. I tend to hear news like this and brush it off, as i do with all i see in the ER. However, i think this hit a little too close to home, literally. When we got home there was a flyer on our door talking about the safety one should have. I was severely disappointed as was Jared by the content of the flyer. The wording seemed to point to the idea this poor girl brought this upon herself. I was angry and hurt that the owners of the complex we live in would insinuate girls would ask for trouble like this. After going to sleep with a long talk of even throughout the day with Jared, i figured i would wake when it was time for me to go to work. Sadly at about midnight i awoke with my heart pounding, nausea, an intense headache and terror streaming through my body. I tossed and turned for a couple of hours till i woke my husband with all my movement. It hit me eventually this event the previous day has scared me to my core. I felt fear of leaving my home. Panic and anxiety quickly took over and the tears started. Why would someone do this? Did they watch the apartments to find a victim? I love to go out and go walking here and by myself usually. Am i in danger? My home security has been rocked, i thought of moving many times last night. Where would i find peace? We want to have a baby soon, could i be safe here with a child? This is Provo, where could i go to be safe if Happy Valley no longer felt safe to me? This event made me sick mentally, emotionally, and physically. For those that live here where we do, please be safe. For the girl who has had her world turned, i pray for you, i pray for a recovery mentally, emotionally and physically. In no way think this was your fault. As for me, i am home, in my home, trying to find the safety i once had. 

Special Olympics & complete Perfection

I was given the wonderful opportunity to attend the special Olympics for the state a few weeks ago. The closest i can describe what i felt there is Heaven must have been close because i could not stop smiling. It was complete joy and happiness. The people there were perfection, happy for being where they were and happy to cheer others on. We could learn a lot from them. When i was taking pictures of the runners i was holding back tears. The competition to win was not what was important. Everyone was excited to run/walk and excited to finish. To try and get out on the track and field is what was important. When they crossed the finish line, most turned around immediately and cheered whoever was running with them. I took lots of pictures, i hope you enjoy them, there is no fancy editing. How can i edit complete perfection, as this is what these people were.  I do hope one day to be medical personnel at the Special Olympics, but this opportunity was AMAZING!! thanks tiffany for inviting me to go with you!!

the official torch for the opening ceremony

I loved the enthusiasm everyone had!

it was pure smiles all day

if you did not want to run, throw things or jump, no need to worry there was a stage where you could dance your day away!!

My beautiful friend tiff with her sister who has gone to the world special olympics and brought home the gold!!

no worry of age, you just run!!

she was amazing!!

Weekend in the ER

No i was not a patient in the ER. I am fine and so is the family.. 
I was working in the ER doing my capstone for school. I am nearing the
 end of this journey. I am down to 9 weeks left. My days consists of tests
 and more tests to see how prepared we are to take the NCLEX . So 
far so good with my scores but i am still scared out of my mind as
 rumor has it the test got harder this year. This last weekend i spent
 4 days at Alta View ER working as a RN. Can i tell you i was so nervous!!
 i prayed that i would seem competent, and have some sort of idea in 
what i was doing. You would think with my years of working in the ER 
as an EMT i would be fine, but the RN aspect is so different. The first 
day i was there we had a trauma, needless to say i can not give details
 due to privacy laws, but i can tell you it got me realizing why I LOVE 
the ER. To think on my feet and know that this patients life is in my 
hands and the many other nurses, EMT's and MD's there reminded me 
why i love the ER so much. I got the desire to hit the books harder and 
to be at the best of my skills and knowledge. Now i know that there is 
lots i do not know,  but i was given many compliments on how i was 
in the trauma and the nurses were impressed i could still think on my
 feet and remember a lot of what i had learned in past experience and my amazing critical care class. My dream job would be to remain in the 
ER. i will admit i was a little sketchy on if i wanted to remain in the
 ER when i am done with school. But the feelings i felt when i left my 
shifts this weekend was something i have missed. I love being there to 
help people when they are in some of the lows in their life. I have a goal
 to make a patient smile even just for a minute when i am in the room.
 I know people come in the ER with major health problems and minor. 
No matter what they are there for i know they are coming trusting us
 with their lives or their loved ones lives. There is no room for judgement
 from me. I am there to help them and hope the situation will improve. 
Needless to say i was not out enjoying the sunshine this weekend, i got 
some emotional sunshine. Here is to hoping i can continue after i 
graduate in the ER and work where i know i have a great love for
 what i do. 

hiding from the boys

On the 23rd it was a bittersweet day. It was our first anniversary, Malia birthday party and the day all the girls in my family snuck out to go to the cemetary to take grandma jensen some flowers. I am not sure if all the girls have ever snuck off like this and it was tons of fun, even if it was only for an hour. I of course had my camera so enjoy the pictures from our adventure.. sorry i am not in the pics, i am the one taking them!!