Mommy

What can i say? You are my best friend... To have a relationship as we do is a rare thing i have found and i am grateful for every moment i have with my mom.. Mothers Day is here and i once again am so grateful to have my mom.. She is the most selfless, charitable person i know and i pray i can "grow up" to be like her.. Mom, you are such a great example to me. You are my hero.. Life has not been easy, but you have managed to smile through it and help me remember the important things in life. Thank you for being you, for keeping me sane, helping me when times are hard, and for most of all being my best friend!! I love you more than you will ever know.. You have pushed me to become the woman i am today.. I hope you have an amazing day!! I LOVE YOU!!!

What if.....

April 13, 2011... I thought this day was going to be epic.. Jared would be a dad and i would be a mom.. Well the day has come and almost gone. I cant help but wonder what this day would be like if the miscarriage never happened.. Am i torturing myself to think this way? Many would probably say yes.. But in my opinion i needed to feel sad and need to mourn over a loss.. Yes, this was our due date.. We thought our lives would be changing and we would be going on with a new portion of our lives.. However when i woke up this morning i knew it was not so..  I have left and got out of the house, but the whole world seems to be "blah" today.. The sun felt far away, the laughter of people around from others was a little too happy for me today.

I know there are others out there who have been trying to have kids much longer than us. I am often told "you guys have not been trying that long, i know so and so who have been trying for ____ years.. Yes, its true it has not been as long as others.. BUT it still hurts.. Don't get me wrong i am so happy when i hear other people are pregnant.. I would not want anyone to go through infertility issues.. I am told i need to be patient and i am really trying.. But today is a day i can't help wonder what it would be like...  

Till the Lord decides it is our time, i will try to keep my faith up... Remember we have been promised this blessing we desire.. 

Magical vacation

Happy place on earth? YES!! a week with no worries is exactly what we got! It was the best trip ever, to have all my family (minus my little bro, whom we missed) was exactly what i needed.. the trip was beyond words so here are pictures instead!! Enjoy, we sure did!!

 Sorry for the picture overload, but it was so much fun!!
Favortie moments of the trip..
1. When Peyton saw Belle and said "mommy, mommy look, its you FAVORITE princess!"
2. deep though "all roads eventually lead somewhere"
3. Jared scaring the guy @ the California border by yelling "we're going to disneyland!"
4. Jared asking if Pep boys (we call it peppe boys) was a strip club!!!
5. having the everyone on Pirates of the Carribean (all 12 of us) singing and shouting "we want the red head" or as Peyton put it "we want the rebbed"
6. Seeing Oj and Peyton holding their hands up on all the rides.. they are some tough kids!!
7. buying Malia and i matching minnie mouse ears ( we know fashion when we see it!!)

 MOST FAVORITE moments
-seeing the love of my life act like a complete goof, getting his first set of mickey ears with his name, hearing him talk about the magic of disneyland, watching Jared meet different characters, and spending the whole week together!!
- There are many more favorite moments, but there is not enough time to list them all..
PS- we invested in annual passes so this is the first of many trips!!

Loss and Hope

It’s been six months since my wife miscarried

That morning forever seared in my mind

Blood loss, sobbing, pain the unholy kind

In our hearts a lost child we buried

Still, her womb an empty barren desert

No sign of life not even a mirage

Our desires, a vanishing collage

We are dragging with no strength to exert

The image of our unborn child appears

It’s time to drink of the waters of hope

To be renewed and rid of all our fears

Though emptiness is felt it’s time to cope

We will count our blessings within our tears

Together we will weave our child life’s rope

He Knows Me

Today I had a lovely visit from my visiting teacher. I forgot she was coming so as i answered the door i prayed i did not look to shocked to see her. I love having my visiting teacher over. She is one amazing girl. Todays visit was one that i needed. I have not said much on here, but Jared and i found some disheartening news about starting a family. I was diagnosed with PCOS last month and i have not known how if i wanted to share this or not on the world wide web. However, after talking to many girls also trying to start their families and not having much success i understand how important it is to share how you feel and to talk to those who are going through similar situations. Yes i started the medication Metformin, which is what they use to treat PCOS, it is said to help regulate your insulin and in doing so helps regulate your hormones and get your LSH and FSH to levels they should be. It makes me sick i wont lie, but I will do whatever it takes to bring a little one to this world.   No I am not diabetic, my blood sugar is fine, it is the insulin level that is causing the problem.
  ANYWAYS, as i was sitting in my living room talking to my friend, we discussed our miscarriages and what we went through, our feelings of adoption, IVF, and the emotional turmoil this has all brought to our lives. We each have different reasons why we have not had a baby.  Honestly,the conversation was something i needed. To talk to her and know that she cared, that understood some of my feelings was something i never realized i needed. I have amazing friends, they have helped me get through some hard times. However, at that moment today, i needed her. And while i was having this conversation i felt a calming assurance that my Savior KNOWS ME, he UNDERSTANDS ME and He knows what is best for me. Even though i did not know i needed this conversation, or the need to talk about how hard it has been or my hopes and fears, HE KNEW... Yes,  there are days when i can not look at FB or look on blogs because i know someone is going to announce they are pregnant or just had a baby, and that is ok. I am truly happy people out there do not have to go through what we are. But i am also grateful there are women out there who understand what its like to have a "bad baby day" as my friend likes to call it.
Most of all i am grateful for my Savior, who understands me, is patient with me, and who knows me. This is our trial and we are trying to keep our heads up and our hopes high. There will be days when i feel like i can't take it anymore, but on those days i will remember, HE KNOWS ME and KNOWS WHAT I NEED..

Welcome 2011

Its a new year, i have seen many blogs talking of goals and new hopes and dreams. 2010 was a great year, well most of it. Jared and i grew in so many ways. I graduated from nursing school and was blessed to walk into a job. We have been blessed with health. There are a lots of things we dream to accomplish this year. There will be moves in where we live, hopefully Jared will start school full time and dreams we hope to achieve...   I hope everyone had happy holidays and enjoyed time with family and friends!! Here is to a year where dreams come true...


PS- to start our great adventure of 2011, we are going to Disneyland in Feb.. Jareds first trip!! pictures to come after the trip!! we are beyond excited for a vacation to the happiest place on earth!!

grateful

I have been amazed at how blessed i am. If you have not heard i recently started working nights at the hospital. I was very excited for this opportunity. I worked nights for many years, however when i started nursing school i decided it was too much and went to the day shift. For most new nurses, working night shift is something we know we will probably face. I love the night shift, i love the people i work with, the extra time i get (sometimes) to talk more with my patients. I will admit i like that it is a little slower than day shift, but we get our share of crazy nights. Ok, so the reason for the post. When i started this night shift i did not think it would be to hard to transition, as i had done this before. I did not have to worry about school, a dating/singles life, etc. Yes, it is easier for me right now but, my emotions have been all over the place. When i do not get my sleep, i tend to cry and lets just say that i have been doing that ALOT.  Now, i am not crying because i am sad, i am just emotional. I cry at commercials, TV shows, the books i read, anything that tugs at my heart string. Do not get me wrong i am happy, i am grateful for my job. I will love it one day, when it all starts to make sense. I know i am a profession i am meant to be in, but more so I know i am married to the man i am more grateful for each and every day.
 When i work at night i sleep the next day (obviously),  but when i do not work the following night i get up around 11 or noon, so i can sleep that night and get back to a more regular schedule. Now, remember how i said i get a little emotional when i do not get sleep? well these days are sure to prove that. Jared, is so good to me. Often i am so tired when the night comes that i am short with Jared, cry, so tired i can not fall asleep, and get more frustrated and so on. I remember this when i started working night shift MANY years ago before i went to days, the body does get used to the night shift after a while.
 Jared is so patient with me and always tells me he is so grateful i am willing to go out and work to help us progress in the goals we have. Jared is my rock. Being away from him 3 nights a week is not easy. I did not think it would be as hard as it is, but he keeps his head up and stays so positive. I have learned to cherish the nights i have at home with my husband. each day i am more and more grateful for him. From my foot massages he treats me with, the love he showers me with, it is true i have found my PRINCE CHARMING..  Needless to say, i was so happy to get a job. I am blessed as there are many i went to school with and who have graduated with me who can not get work (dumb economy).
So i am grateful for my job, my prince, and most of all the Lord. This gift i have of a life is something i never thought would come. I have been surprised at how much i see the love of the Lord in my life all around me...
Today, i am grateful...