Loss and Hope

It’s been six months since my wife miscarried

That morning forever seared in my mind

Blood loss, sobbing, pain the unholy kind

In our hearts a lost child we buried

Still, her womb an empty barren desert

No sign of life not even a mirage

Our desires, a vanishing collage

We are dragging with no strength to exert

The image of our unborn child appears

It’s time to drink of the waters of hope

To be renewed and rid of all our fears

Though emptiness is felt it’s time to cope

We will count our blessings within our tears

Together we will weave our child life’s rope

He Knows Me

Today I had a lovely visit from my visiting teacher. I forgot she was coming so as i answered the door i prayed i did not look to shocked to see her. I love having my visiting teacher over. She is one amazing girl. Todays visit was one that i needed. I have not said much on here, but Jared and i found some disheartening news about starting a family. I was diagnosed with PCOS last month and i have not known how if i wanted to share this or not on the world wide web. However, after talking to many girls also trying to start their families and not having much success i understand how important it is to share how you feel and to talk to those who are going through similar situations. Yes i started the medication Metformin, which is what they use to treat PCOS, it is said to help regulate your insulin and in doing so helps regulate your hormones and get your LSH and FSH to levels they should be. It makes me sick i wont lie, but I will do whatever it takes to bring a little one to this world.   No I am not diabetic, my blood sugar is fine, it is the insulin level that is causing the problem.
  ANYWAYS, as i was sitting in my living room talking to my friend, we discussed our miscarriages and what we went through, our feelings of adoption, IVF, and the emotional turmoil this has all brought to our lives. We each have different reasons why we have not had a baby.  Honestly,the conversation was something i needed. To talk to her and know that she cared, that understood some of my feelings was something i never realized i needed. I have amazing friends, they have helped me get through some hard times. However, at that moment today, i needed her. And while i was having this conversation i felt a calming assurance that my Savior KNOWS ME, he UNDERSTANDS ME and He knows what is best for me. Even though i did not know i needed this conversation, or the need to talk about how hard it has been or my hopes and fears, HE KNEW... Yes,  there are days when i can not look at FB or look on blogs because i know someone is going to announce they are pregnant or just had a baby, and that is ok. I am truly happy people out there do not have to go through what we are. But i am also grateful there are women out there who understand what its like to have a "bad baby day" as my friend likes to call it.
Most of all i am grateful for my Savior, who understands me, is patient with me, and who knows me. This is our trial and we are trying to keep our heads up and our hopes high. There will be days when i feel like i can't take it anymore, but on those days i will remember, HE KNOWS ME and KNOWS WHAT I NEED..

Welcome 2011

Its a new year, i have seen many blogs talking of goals and new hopes and dreams. 2010 was a great year, well most of it. Jared and i grew in so many ways. I graduated from nursing school and was blessed to walk into a job. We have been blessed with health. There are a lots of things we dream to accomplish this year. There will be moves in where we live, hopefully Jared will start school full time and dreams we hope to achieve...   I hope everyone had happy holidays and enjoyed time with family and friends!! Here is to a year where dreams come true...


PS- to start our great adventure of 2011, we are going to Disneyland in Feb.. Jareds first trip!! pictures to come after the trip!! we are beyond excited for a vacation to the happiest place on earth!!

grateful

I have been amazed at how blessed i am. If you have not heard i recently started working nights at the hospital. I was very excited for this opportunity. I worked nights for many years, however when i started nursing school i decided it was too much and went to the day shift. For most new nurses, working night shift is something we know we will probably face. I love the night shift, i love the people i work with, the extra time i get (sometimes) to talk more with my patients. I will admit i like that it is a little slower than day shift, but we get our share of crazy nights. Ok, so the reason for the post. When i started this night shift i did not think it would be to hard to transition, as i had done this before. I did not have to worry about school, a dating/singles life, etc. Yes, it is easier for me right now but, my emotions have been all over the place. When i do not get my sleep, i tend to cry and lets just say that i have been doing that ALOT.  Now, i am not crying because i am sad, i am just emotional. I cry at commercials, TV shows, the books i read, anything that tugs at my heart string. Do not get me wrong i am happy, i am grateful for my job. I will love it one day, when it all starts to make sense. I know i am a profession i am meant to be in, but more so I know i am married to the man i am more grateful for each and every day.
 When i work at night i sleep the next day (obviously),  but when i do not work the following night i get up around 11 or noon, so i can sleep that night and get back to a more regular schedule. Now, remember how i said i get a little emotional when i do not get sleep? well these days are sure to prove that. Jared, is so good to me. Often i am so tired when the night comes that i am short with Jared, cry, so tired i can not fall asleep, and get more frustrated and so on. I remember this when i started working night shift MANY years ago before i went to days, the body does get used to the night shift after a while.
 Jared is so patient with me and always tells me he is so grateful i am willing to go out and work to help us progress in the goals we have. Jared is my rock. Being away from him 3 nights a week is not easy. I did not think it would be as hard as it is, but he keeps his head up and stays so positive. I have learned to cherish the nights i have at home with my husband. each day i am more and more grateful for him. From my foot massages he treats me with, the love he showers me with, it is true i have found my PRINCE CHARMING..  Needless to say, i was so happy to get a job. I am blessed as there are many i went to school with and who have graduated with me who can not get work (dumb economy).
So i am grateful for my job, my prince, and most of all the Lord. This gift i have of a life is something i never thought would come. I have been surprised at how much i see the love of the Lord in my life all around me...
Today, i am grateful...

Graduation, new job, and much more..

It has been a busy month here in the Marshall household. After trying to move on after the miscarriage (still something i struggle with daily) Jared and i have had a month full of twists and turns. I sat for my boards on the third of Sept. (please see previous post), i luckily passed. I thought everything was smooth sailing after passing boards, i was wrong. After a long conversation with my boss and not getting the job i first thought i would, I spent many nights praying to find peace and acceptance allowing me to move on and to accept the road life had decided to take. I have this little problem with wanting to be in CONTROL of everything that goes on in my life. I am not one for the "unknown" so when life does not go as planned (which happens often), i tend to freak out. I think life has to go not as i plan often enough to humble me and to remember the faith and hope i claim to have. After a very long week, i finally was offered a job as a RN at Utah Valley Regional Medical Center in what is called the Med/Surge Cluster. I work on the orthopedic/Neurology floor (anyone with a broken hip or needing brain surgery), on the Medical Surgical floor (anyone with stomach, prostate or bladder problems) and the Medical/Oncology floor (yes, it is the cancer floor).. This is not where i dreamed to work (yes i want to go to the ER) however, i know i will get some AMAZING experience and i am grateful to have a job. Yes, even the medical field is feeling the economy, i hear there are almost 500 new grads from nursing schools out there looking for jobs here in UT alone. I am going to be working nights, i am going back to the DARK SIDE and i must admit i am excited to go back to the night shift, i love staff at nights!!
 I did graduate with a degree, which i wondered if it would ever really happen. I was surrounded by people i love and have supported me through the craziness of what nursing school is. (this is shared in the pictures to follow of the graduation)..  So jared is enjoying the ease of having me NOT in school. I am back to working 36-40 hours a week. A much nicer income is headed our way and i think he is excited for that as much as i am. Jared has changed his major to Social Work and those of you who know Jared can understand how GREAT this change is. I am blessed with such a kind and generous husband. He is always wondering how we can help others. He is so patient and loves to help those in need. He loves the psychology of the human minds (i could live without understanding why people do the dumb things we do), but he is ready to go out and help people find the light that has helped him in his life. 
   So, yes we are very busy, but we are so grateful for the change that has happened in our lives. We continue to hope and pray we will be parents sooner than later. We are excited for the new opportunities that await us. Jared is excited about our upcoming day at Lagoon (me not so much as i would rather be at disneyland) but i am sure this is a small trip compared to what awaits us in the future. September was a great month!! My brother was evacuated from his house from the crazy fires in Herriman, but was happy to go back home a few days later with no real damage to his home.. My parents took the grandkids to Arizona for a wedding, and seemed to have had a blast.
 Life is good in the Ika and Marshall household...  Lets hope October is just as great!!
  
Here are some pictures from Graduation...

 Yes, it was a great day!!!

Did you hear? I am a REGISTERED NURSE!!

This Labor day weekend has been a long one coming.. I sat for my RN boards on Friday. When you sit for boards it feels like you are going into a prison, you have to turn your pockets inside out, no watch, chewing gum, etc.. As i sat down to the computer i offered one last pleading prayer and began the grueling test. With this test it is $300 big ones each time you take the test, so needless to say i was praying that i only had to do this once. As the test started i was shaking so bad from nerves i thought i was going to puke. You can get anywhere from 75 to 265 questions. The computer uses an algorithm to determine if you are a safe nurse or not. I figured since i am not the best test taker (my wonderful anxiety) i would get around 150 questions. When i hit 75 and the test went on i was not surprised. The questions were getting harder and i felt like i was guessing on a lot of them. After question 76 the computer shut off and the test was surprisingly over. I was ready to puke. I was sure i had failed. I tried to hold it together as i checked out of the testing center. I walked out and immediately called an instructor and cried to her. The test was HELL to put it nicely.. After not sleeping, or eating much for two days i decided i had to let it go. I sat in sacrament feeling peace that i had not felt all week. I was determined whatever the outcome was i knew i could get through it. Well as i was sitting in primary with my sunbeams my husband had my phone in his pocket and told me two girls from nursing school had just called and text me. So i grabbed my phone and dashed out into the hallway. As i heard results were up but i had to pay for them, i raced back in and grabbed my wallet, while i left my husband to watch my little sunbeams. As my friend entered the info for me i was shaking so bad.. she got on and told me i PASSED and i lost it right there and started crying. This is something i have dreamed about for SO LONG!! i did it, i am a registered NURSE!!!  My husband and family were so good to me this last weekend, I know i was NOT fun to be around at all. But they never stopped with the words or encouragement and telling me they believed in me.. The friends i have made in nursing school will be friends for life.. It is crazy to me that this little chapter  (longer that it should be) of my life is over.. Now onto saving people!! Thanks to everyone who has cheered me on and who has believed in me.. I could not have done this without any of you... I DID IT!!!!!

Broken Heart

When i write here i often feel as if it is a journal that i allow the world to read. There are things i will not share as they are to personal for me. However, i feel somethings i need to write about to help myself heal. This last week has been full of ups and downs. Excited when we learned we were going to be parents. The news was something we have been hoping for. However, something did not feel right to me. I thought i was being paranoid and went on.. I was going to put in the call this week to the OB and get the fun going. However heavenly father had different plans and we miscarried the baby on sunday. I never understood how something could hurt so bad when all i really had a was little stick that read Pregnant when i read it. However, the tears do not explain or even touch the hurt, despair and helplessness i felt and i know jared does as well.. I know there is more to heavenly Father's plan. He has more in store for Jared and I and we hope to become parents one day. So along with the tears and pain, i feel a sense of hope. A promise i know the Lord will fulill one day. So till then, i welcome the tears and the hurt so i can learn from this experience and Hold onto the Gospel, stay close to the Lord.. We have been promised to be parents one day, so that is what we will hold onto..